Adoption what does that exactly mean to you?  When you hear that word, what does that do to your heart and soul?   For me adoption means to love and cherish a person who was not your own, as if they were your own right from the beginning.  Here is a story and this what I have learned from it.

My son when he was 3 came to me and asked me if he could have a pet.  I told him that I had no problem with getting one,but we needed to make sure a few things were set in order before we could just go run out and get one.  I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wanted a fish.  I explained to him that taking care of a fish is a big responsibility and that when we get one he would have to care for it, feed it, and clean his tank. At 3, he of course didn’t understand what responsibility was but he knew that all he wanted was a fish.  Lucky for us at the time, we lived in an apartment where we couldn’t have pets.  So I told him this, and he understood, but deep down he still wanted that fish. 3 years later in fact, this past Christmas, he came to us again and asked if he could have a fish.  I then again, told him how he would have to care for it, feed it and clean his tank.  He told me he was ready to be responsible and was ready to have his own pet.  So on Christmas Day he opened his gifts and his last one was a 15 gallon fish tank filled with all the accessories for the caring of a fish.  He was so excited.  In fact that night his daddy and him prepared the tank so we could go to the pet store the next day to purchase his new fish.  They took a few hours of preparation to make sure the water was just right, the rocks were washed and clean, the filter all set to go, and his little fish plants all set in the perfect spot, for is new fish.  The next day we went to the pet store and he went right over to all the fish tanks to pick out his special fish.  He looked and looked and finally he spotted the one he wanted.  It was a white and orange goldfish.  He was so excited to know that this was gonna be his new best friend.  He then decided he was going to name him Dan Dan.   We brought Dan Dan home and we set him in his new tank of water.  However we didn’t just plop him in there.  We kept him in his small plastic water bag that he came in and set it in the tank.  He was able to look around and see what his new surroundings were going to be like without feeling intimidated or shocked by the change of the water temperature..  We then slowly added the tank water into his plastic fish bag that he came in.  Then after about an hour we let him loose n the tank and he swam around as if he had lived there his entire fish life.  As the days passed, my son and his daddy worked together and his Daddy taught my son how to care, clean, and  feed Dan Dan.  Dan Dan soon realized that my son loved him very much  not only by just caring for him but by also paying attention to him.  My son loves his goldfish, and yes there are days when he doesn’t want to help clean his tank, but he knows if Dan Dan wants to be happy he must take good care of him even if means cleaning out his tank.   Caring for a fish may not be such a bug deal in an adult’s life , but to a little 6 year old boy, it is a huge responsibility and something of which he will remember for the rest of his life.   My son loves his goldfish as if Dan Dan was always a part of his life.  If anything should ever happen to his goldfish I know for a fact  it would tear his heart in two.  Not only for the reason he has invested his time, but he has loved Dan Dan right from the very moment he knew Dan Dan was going to be a part of  his life.

So this is what I’ve learned from this story about being adopted.

1.   Not everyone is expected or should adopt children.  If you can’t adopt it doesn’t mean you are not as good as your neighbor or friend who can adopt.  I know many people who want to adopt, but just can’t. For whatever reason they chose not to, one must never judge them.  I think that a lot of children are adopted  because one may feel sorry for the child or they feel obligated.  If this is how you feel, I suggest highly that you wait and seek counsel before ever letting a child into your life that you may not be ready for.  Adoption is a Choice, and a choice that must be made very seriously. Like owning a pet, not everyone can or should own one.

2.  For those who can and will adopt, I congratulate you.   I think that adoption is a wonderful choice.  I know of many loving people who have adopted children.  I also sadly know a few who were adopted by people who fell in the former category above.

3.  When adopting one must be as prepared as they can for the change that will not only happen in their lives, but also in the lives of the child or children they are adopting.  Like my son when he wanted a fish he  just wanted to run out and get one not knowing how to care for it, feed it, and such.  He was ready to love it, and give his heart to it, but the knowing  how to nurture it was something he didn’t know how to handle.   I think depending on the situation one must be as educated as possible when it comes to bringing in another child into your life.  Do not be afraid to ask for help or get involved in a support group.  Like my son, he could not care  for his fish on his own at first, but with the help of his father he was able to learn how to care for the needs of is fish.  Likewise, many parents who adopt could use the help from others who have adopted before.   When we become parents we all want to be the best parent ever, but sometimes  being a good parent means getting help when you know you can’t do it all on your own. Don’t be too proud to get help, we all need help sometime in our lives.

4.  An adopted child needs space and time to adjust to his new surroundings.  I was adopted from Korea and even though I was only 22 months of age, I still experienced culture shock.  I had attachment adjustment disorder.  I couldn’t handle the sudden change of my environment and I just had terrible time adjusting and getting along.   I had to learn a new language, eat new food, hear new sounds, and be in a strange place where I never step foot into.   I was scared and lost.  The only thing I wanted was security.   So be prepared for culture shock not only for you, but also for your child.  Like my son when we purchased his fish we gave it time to adjust to his new tank and surroundings.  We had to let him know he was safe and secure.  If we would have just plopped him in the tank he probably would have died.  Children need to know they are safe, secure, and loved.

5.  A child who is adopted wants to be loved, not smothered.  My parents told me as long as I could remember that I was special and that I was adopted.  I don’t mind that they did this, but in some ways I felt smothered by the fact that they had gone out of their way to chose me and love me when they didn’t have to.  I always knew that I was loved, but when an adopted child hears that all the time, it kind of does the opposite effect on them and they tend to feel like their parents are trying to hard, and the expectations are different from other family members if there are any.  I love the fact that I am adopted and such, but growing up, sometimes I wish that my parents didn’t make such a big fuss about it.  I know they meant well, but perhaps since maybe they thought I was insecure, they had to remind me that I was loved and specially chosen.  My mom is a wonderful lady and for her to love me when no one else did was a great love that only few will ever understand and experience.  I am forever grateful to her for choosing me out of all the children in the world she could have adopted.  I want to make her proud ,but honestly I am her daughter and she should know that I love her just as much back.  She always told me that in her eyes from the time she received the phone call about me, I was loved right then.

My son loves his goldfish but he doesn’t smother him to death.  LOL Dan Dan knows he is loved by my son and trust my son to care for him feed him, and give him special little treats.  However, my son doesn’t hover over his tank continuously and try to hold onto him and not let Dan Dan be what he wants to be He’s just a member of the family.

6. Lastly, my final advise is to just treat your child with love and respect. Your child will know they are adopted sooner or later.  Whether you tell them or another family member does, they will have lots of questions and such.  I did, and I still do .  However, be supportive of your child and let them ask questions. If they want to search for their biological family let them, It’s not because they don’t love you , it’s simply because they want closure and answers.  I understand this,  because as a child I wanted to know as much as possible about my beginnings,my Korean culture, why I was the way I was.   Of course there wasn’t much to know but I wanted to be able to go through all the options of finding out what I could.  If a parent discourages their child to do so then it will only cause the child to look into it even more, because  they feel as if you are tying to hide something, when in fact you may not be hiding anything at all.  It may make you feel insecure to know your child is curious, but trust me, they still love you and always will.   Instead I suggest telling your child that yes you love them and if they want to find out more about their biological past then you support them.  Your child wanting to know about their past doesn’t mean they hate you or want to disown you.  Love doesn’t have to be biological, but knowing where you came from and who gave birth to you and why they gave you up for adoption is important to the one who is adopted.  Trust me I know, and so do my other friends who  have been adopted.   I know I may never know who my biological family may be, and I am fine with that, but at the same time I wan to be able on my own  know that I did everything I could to find out about them.  Of course being adopted from another country is much harder to locate your biologic family, but with the technology we have today, it makes it much easier. And by the way, I as of now, know nothing about my biological family.  I’ve done what I could and I am satisfied with what I’ve done. My faith in God lets me be at peace and if I do find anything in the future, I will be ready no matter what the situation may be.  If I die not knowing then it wasn’t meant to be, but I am not obsessed with it either.  I’ve done my best, so hang the rest. LOL

I hope you enjoyed my blog today, and I hope those who are adopted understand where I am coming from.  For those who want to adopt I hope this also helps you  to understand how those like myself feel about adoption.  I can’t speak for everyone who has been adopted, but I know for all of us who have been adopted we do share similar feelings.  Please comment on what you think and let me know how you feel about your adoption I’d be interested what you have learned from the experience too.  If you are adopting please let me know what you thought of this blog and let me know if it helped you.